As some of my friends know, I have always wished that I was born Jewish. I love the closeness of Jewish families and how they are so demonstrative. Growing up in an Irish family, the only time someone touched us was if we were getting a Cootie shot or playing touch football. (And then there was the old man up the street who wore his wife's pink bathrobe and played with Barbie dolls, but that's a story for another day). Cameron, who is not Jewish, could certainly use a Jewish mother right about now, to help her in the dating department. This is the advice I would give her:
Cameron, are you sure you want to date that Justin fellow? What kind of a Jewish name is Timberlake? His family can't spell, that's not a good sign.
Cameron, why are you in a movie with Tom Cruise again? You better not be hemming his pants in that trailer of his. No daughter of mine is going to hem pants without a ring on her finger.
Cameron, in that Angels movie, can't you put the plumber from down the street in the movie? Maybe I could get him to build me a sukkah with a nice Kohler toilet.
Cameron, I heard that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to be at the flea market today. I cannot possibly make my chicken soup without the kreplach. Please, for your mother, please be a dear and get me some. Put on a little mascara, too.
Cameron, how are you ever going to find your bashert? Stop running around in your bikini, show some respect. Or at least if you're gonna wear that thing, put some nice cutlets in the bra, it couldn't hurt. You never know who you might see at the beach.
And for God's sake, go to Synagogue once in awhile and settle down.
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