The funnest thing about winning at slots is not knowing what you're doing....

Last weekend, we took a trip to Mohegan Sun which was a first for us. Not really on the bucket list, but it was definitely a trip. After strolling through and checking out the sights, I learned a lot about the gambling life. And that is that you need an advanced math degree from MIT to figure out what the hell you are doing. There are so many combinations of lines, bets and symbols to decipher, I feel like I may have stumbled upon the next think tank waiting to be discovered. One 90 year old woman was explaining to me Achems Razor on a 1/4 cent slot machine. Another "slotter" (who I really thought was Jabba the Hut wandering over from a Comic.Con convention) was extrapolating how it was possible to beat the odds at Wheel of Fortune. I learned so much, and the only downfall is that I now need a heart lung machine because I must have inhaled twenty packs of secondhand smoke in my quest for higher gambling knowledge...

Is that cabbage soup I smell (translation: I'm moving into the guest bedroom)

So, one of the best ways to be successful on the famously endorsed lifestyle change plan that I'm following is to eat copious amounts of a certain vegetable soup recipe. And the reason you lose so much weight is because your food is propelled through your digestive tract like a BMW on the Autobahn. I live with and embrace the soup, because the only other way I have found to lose weight faster is by donating a pint of blood. However, the soup has profound effects on the interpersonal relationships with my friends, family, coworkers and fellow churchgoers. The ingredients are as follows:

Cabbage: thoroughly cleanses the stomach and intestines and may cause gas    in some people

Onions: may produce gas and the flatulence associated with it 

Garlic:  Halitosis or bad body odor is one of the main side effects

Carrots: The pigment of carotenes makes your skin look orange, which is sometimes called Carotenemia 

So, ultimately, the look I will achieve is a 5 foot tall, giant carrot with bad breath, who is skilled at finding public bathrooms, knows the cheapest toilet paper brand and can wear a large Pull-Up under a size 4 pair of pants 

Paddle boarding, move over....

So, I haven't been blogging so much for the past six weeks because I was doing some things on my bucket list. The paddle boarding thing was a bust; because I did it and it was a lot less exciting than I thought it would be. Plus, my husband took pictures of me which I promptly deleted from the camera. However, we went kayaking and that was so much more fun than expected. It was so nice to be able to be in control of my own little boat, relying on my own strength to get me through the choppy little waves as we made our way to a Boston Harbor Island. Our whole excursion was probably about 4 hours, which translates to 36 days of being unable to use my upper body in any other capacity than breathing or holding my head in place. I have never experienced such a prolonged period of having "noodle arms" or watching as my brain tells the fork to go to my mouth but it hits me in the forehead instead. What I learned from the kayaking experience is that I need more time in the gym lifting weights. I promptly made it back there and have been working with a trainer so that I can stop relying on Mia to blow dry my hair....

Leaf peeping just isn't the same in a Hyundai...

When my husband and I were dating (long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away), we would take off in his 76 cherry red Corvette, with t-tops open to the beautiful fall chill for our annual leaf peeping adventure. We would speed along Route 93 in New Hampshire to the Kankamangus Highway for thrilling views of all the beautiful colors that nature had to offer. Never mind that we felt so young and free in that flashy car; we were young and free of water and electric bills, a mortgage, PLUS loan, parental angst and didn't have a care in the world. We would pull over to the side of the road and I remember walking barefoot through the cold, cold water of the Pemigewasset River, smoking Marlboro Lights and not worrying about lung cancer or hypothermia. Last week, my husband suggested we take a little road trip and check out the foliage. I'm happy to do it, but will it feel the same in my 2005 Hyundai that has chemistry books, dog fur and empty soda cans in the back seat? Knowing that Rocco is sitting home alone waiting patiently for our return? Maybe he'll surprise me and rent a car so we can go back in time. I might even make a playlist with Manic Monday, Sledgehammer and Life in a Northern Town so we really go back to 1986....

You don't have to go to acting school to have drama in your life....

I think that regular people should get Oscars, Tonys, Emmys and the occasional Razzie, too. In the last six weeks, I have re-enacted pivotal scenes from the following Hollywood offerings:

1. The vomit spewing portion of  "The Exorcist" when I told my teenaged daughter that she absolutely cannot visit a boy who lives 500 miles away who with my eyes squinted resembles Lou Ferrigno

2. Encountering the "ROUS" or rodents of unusual size,  from the "Princess Bride", trying to get cozy with my daughter's chickens

3. Sleeping with all the lights on and living in "The Amityville Horror" house during a windy rainstorm when I was staying home alone for the weekend

4. Living next door to Shirley MacLaine's character from "Terms of Endearment"

5. Trying to find someone to dance with at Pete's Bar other than your husband because he's convinced he's the lead actor in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure".

6. Being asked if you played the part of Gollum/Smeagol's body double in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy 

7. Standing on the scale at weight watchers and yelling "What'chu talkin 'bout, Willis?" from "Diff'rent Strokes" to the diminutive woman behind the counter

8. Wondering if after you walk through your son's apartment door you come out with the same goo on you as in the movie "Poltergeist" 

I bet no one asks Cameron to scrub anything....

Occasionally at work, I hear the dreaded question...

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SCRUB A C-SECTION?

The minute I start to hear scr_ _, I start to think of the many things I would rather do....such as:

...I would rather comb the dingle berries out of my dogs bum
...I would prefer to go back to first grade and drink the skim milk that's been sitting on the counter for three hours
...I would rather go to my childhood dentist who I am sure was on a day pass from federal prison
...I would retake my orthodontic impressions with a hangover after eating a bowl of Dinty Moore Beef Stew
...I would sit through a double feature of "Battlefield Earth" and "Bio Dome"
...I would rather have a colonoscopy with no anesthesia and/or bowel prep after eating buffalo chicken calzones
...I would go on another blind date with the guy who had braces but hadn't mastered the use of dental floss and had no concept of social space
...I would rather retake 10th grade gym class which consisted of 4 semesters of tall people sports
...I would get a tattoo saying "Where's my Precious?" across my forehead

Saying goodbye to college boy....

There is nothing that can put a lump in your throat quicker than saying good-bye to your son as he makes his way off to college. This will be the third time, but it never gets easier. Granted, his room is so littered with towels and clothes we could probably outfit an entire country with t shirts. I will miss nagging him to pick up all his orange soda cans, which are now being bagged for redemption and will probably pay for his food plan for the entire first semester.  We have given up waiting for him to come home at night, mostly because we can't stay up that late anymore and expect to function at work. I think even the Rocco knows he's leaving, because he keeps offering up toys with the hopes of some tug of war. One more year after this, and then he may be going off into the world with no intention of coming home.  So even though it's bittersweet, I still have the knowledge that I get to say good bye again next year, and then call in the troops to find his carpet under all that stuff.